Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
