I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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