Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize