i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
