so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
