You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
