I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize