how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
