i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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