all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
