do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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