Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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