My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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