Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
