God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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