You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
