Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
