My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
