Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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