I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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