the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
