When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
