it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
