Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
