Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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