Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
