Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
