The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
