i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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