im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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