She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
