The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Two words: nipple clamps
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