i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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