My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
