Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
