Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
