I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize