Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
