I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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