dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
