Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
