When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
