never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
