I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
