it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
