Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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