Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
