dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just high enough for therapy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
