the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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