I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
