Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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