I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
