I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
