She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
