My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize